Life in the Time of Coronavirus

This year, I have been working behind the scenes on renewing my practice and and my philosophy of life. I have a slew of blog drafts, hoarded like toilet paper, that I've been working on.

Last week everything changed.

Covid-19, coronavirus--whatever we end up calling this bug in the future, it has been a wake up call for many, and has crystallized many ideas I've tossed around as I try to define my practice and my life. Here's what I've got so far:

• It's not all about me. While I hope I've never looked at life in a self-centered way, we all do at times. But life is about connection, and about what we give. Everyone I've ever read who talked about finding meaning in life sees life as a gift you give to others. 
• It's all about me (and it's all about you). As confusing as it sounds, the only way to be able to give to others is to do the work you need to do on yourself. The inner work I've done for the past 3 years has taught me a lot about what my unique gifts are, and had also reminded me that most people with health issues have a harder time dealing with the feelings and thoughts around the illness than the symptoms themselves. Fatigue is not as hard as feeling useless because you're tired. Pain is not as hard as feeling you're powerless to manage your own body. Self-work on how we think, and allowing ourselves to feel, are critical parts in healthcare. 
• Slow is usually better. Life moves fast. The recent changes in North America associated with Covid-19 (that Asia and Europe have been experiencing for weeks before us) has left many of us feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and like we are behind and can't catch up on simple things like having food and income. Unless you are being chased by a lion, usually the best way to handle overwhelm is to slow down. Allow yourself space to look past the hysteria in yourself, the media, and others, and give your fight-or-flight response a chance to fade so you can look at life rationally and critically. Slower is how my practice runs, and it's how I encourage my patients to approach life, too.
• Authenticity is all. If you aren't who you really are, or looking at what really is, you're lost when you have to deal with a challenge. Denial and hysteria are two sides of the same coin--they are turning away from reality. In our current situation, pretending this virus is not a serious health threat to thousands of people and not taking precautions for the sake of everyone is denial. Forgetting that for most people, this virus means a few weeks being cooped up at home, possibly with bad cold symptoms, is buying into hysteria. All of life has the denial and hysteria paths, and also the path of accepting reality, feeling what you feel about it, and dealing with what's at hand. In my practice, I use mindfulness as a path to authenticity.

As 2020 seems to roar on, each of us has the chance to make our life work our way, even in the face of challenges. Accepting that routines will change, and there will be problems as well as triumphs is part of authentic living. I hope you will find a path to balance, get to know yourself so you can give to others, slow down to enjoy life and face it calmly, and be the wonderful you that you really are. 

The Culture of Busyness and Perfection

Photo Credit: Celalteber

Today I had lunch with a dear friend. I work in natural health, and she works in human resources and career coaching. Our conversation drifted to living a good life, as it often does, and we both came to the same conclusion: people are killing themselves trying to live up to a culture of busyness and perfection.

Everyone is busy, everyone has too much to do, and it's the excuse for rudeness, for missing family time, and for any let-down. The trouble is, it's a real excuse. When you cram every second of your day with more obligations than you can manage, you will let stuff go. But no one seems to do much about it. Why don't we pare down activities? Why don't we refuse a dinner date with the co-worker who gets on our nerves? And why, when we do let things go, it's things we love--friends and loved ones and leisure--instead of the things we hate, like long hours at a job that takes too much from us, or social outings that are more obligations than fun?

Enter the culture of perfection. You can do it all, and be a perfect weight, perfect physique, have five time consuming hobbies and everyone loves you. If you can't keep up, don't tell anyone, because then you are not part of the group. Do your Pilates (or Tough Mudder marathon), show up at the right restaurants, go to your book club, or fundraiser, or cocktail party. Check your watch if you must, because you're killing your soul, and go to sleep at 2am (but get up at 5am because early risers are the most productive). But be perfect. If you aren't then you're a loser.

"People won't even poop at work," I said, sharing an article on "workplace bathroom anxiety" I found recently. (While looking for the article online, I found pages of articles with strategies to "do a big job" in the office discreetly.) 

"Of course not," my friend said. "The boss might come in." 

What has life become when basic biological functions that are common to everyone cannot be done in the space dedicated to them? When you can't admit to you co-workers, who you see for more hours than your family, that you are not perfect? Where is the safe place everyone needs to be themselves? 

For many, it's not with their family. Too many people use busyness to cover up an unhappy marriage, or to fill their belief that if they aren't perfect their mate or children or parents won't love them. So they work, and they work, and try to find all their fulfillment in activities and jobs. 

My husband and I have downtime. More than most people. We watch movies together, we sit around and read books in the same room, sometimes sharing an interesting passage, and, mostly, we let each other be fallible. I cannot imagine the lives I hear about from some patients, where their every moment is scheduled and judged by someone who expects them to give everything to that moment. Living under that burden changes how you interact--you won't tell people you're tired, so those around you don't realize you need space, or you tell everyone you're overburdened, and suck the joy and life from any room you enter.

How about we try something else? I invite you to join me. Let's dump the Culture of Busyness, and the Culture of Perfection. Let's join the Culture of Authenticity. Our group is made up of imperfect people who want to grow. We know time in contemplation, in sitting with others for friendship and fun, and in dealing with problems instead of distracting ourselves with another activity, are valuable for our productivity, mental and emotional health. We take time off when we're sick. We limit multi-tasking. We go to the bathroom. This culture does may not know who the "it" designer is this season, and we may spend more time at home than off networking, but when we give ourselves to a task, we can give ourselves completely. We give what we have, and then we recharge. We spend less time at doctors and more time getting massages and talking to our kids and spouses and friends. Join us--we have room for you.